Noëlle the 8-Bit🏳️🌈🎄
It is REALLY HARD to not think of myself in terms of what I can do. And when I run across someone who can do everything I care about better than I can, it's REALLY HARD for me to not think that it would just be better if I stepped aside and didn't bother anymore.
I KNEW I should have immediately followed up posting this toot by muting responses to it.
If I could convince Mastodon at large of only one thing, it would be this:
if you see someone complaining, DO NOT give them advice.
If someone ASKS for advice, offer it.
But 90% of the time, someone complaining is just venting. They're not telling you the whole story, and they're not receptive to being given advice, because in that mental state, your "good-natured advice" is their "HERE'S HOW YOU'RE DOING THIS WRONG".
Do not respond with advice unless it's asked for.
@ratbaby you know what bugs me is like
do you know how much stress would be avoided if people just, like, asked first
why is everyone so bad at asking if people want things
@InspectorCaracal @ratbaby Your toot points out what's one part of the problem: you're using questions rhetorically.
Okay, sometimes rhetorical questions are easy to spot, even for an autist like me.
But sometimes it is really hard to know that if someone asks a question, they really are not expecting to get answers.
So please everyone, make your own part and don't use rhetorical questions when you're really just venting out.
@InspectorCaracal @ratbaby Ah well, your toot was a response to the topic so I thought to reply to the end instead of branching the chain. Sorry for the inconvenience.
@Stoori It's okay, it was just a pretty specific tangent and I got confused how you made the connection.
I do want to point out that answering rhetorical questions and giving advice aren't really the same thing, though, because one is giving information and the other is telling someone what they should do. At least that's how it seems to work in my experience? I've found people get more upset about being told what to do than being given information they didn't want.
@InspectorCaracal Yes, rhetorical questions are not the whole picture, just one part of the problem of unsolicited advice. But they may be the most obvious group of ”false positives”.
For example, questions like ”why do people do this?” can be rhetorical venting or legitimate pondering, and if it's venting, getting a proper answer may sound like splaining on being apologetic, whereas the person answering may think that they're just giving information the other doesn't have.
@Stoori Oh, I know, I'm usually the one answering them.
@InspectorCaracal yeah its really easy. just ask for that consent cause otherwise, when you're in that state of mind, it feels like a lecture.