Update on today's Thursday outbreak. Plans are already being put into motion. A controlled release of Friday has been performed in Kiribati and we are tracking its spread west through New Zealand.
If you are still experiencing Thursday, do not panic. We expect the expanding wave of Friday to reach your location within the next 24 hours, sooner in most locations. The death toll is not expected to exceed 160 000.
Further news on the Thursday outbreak. The decision to perform a controlled release of Friday to displace Thursday was taken with full knowledge of the risks. Unfortunately, control has been lost and Friday is now spreading unchecked. The chair of the advisory board has submitted her resignation.
Simulations show a >90% chance it will develop into Saturday if control cannot be reestablished. We advise you to make all appropriate preparations.
Update on the ongoing Thursday and Friday outbreaks. Thursday continues to be displaced, with Australia and parts of Russia now reporting as Thursday-free.
Sadly, that's the extent of the good news. Friday has hit the Eurasian mainland and containment is now likely impossible. We are not abandoning attempts to control its propagation, but success is unlikely. We are considering options for Saturday mitigation, but have ruled out deliberately introducing Sunday at this early stage.
@postulate The advisory board is, of course, considering all available options, but under the terms of the 1981 Greenwich Convention, deploying Monday or interfering with a natural occurrence of Monday is strictly a last resort. It would require a resolution of the United Nations General Assembly.
We admit that the Friday release did not go as planned, but it is the board's view that things are not yet that desperate.
The Thursday outbreak appears to be contained. Cleanup is proceeding in the remaining affected areas, and is expected to be complete within four hours.
Friday remains at large. Be watchful for signs of developing Saturday.
And that's it! I had far more fun than I expected to writing this whole Thursday Outbreak thing, considering it started as a throwaway joke. That said, while I could go on, I think I'm going to draw a line under it here before it outstays its welcome. I hope you all have a lovely Friday!
If you find someone else in Thursday-related distress, and it is safe to approach, try to talk to them, offer them water and a calendar, and try to get them away from the Thursday if possible.
Do not put yourself in danger - your own safety comes first!