The Toaster That Tried @bravelittletoaster@tootplanet.space

It’s so nice having the sunshine out at seven. Makes it much easier to get ready for work and for my day. I hope the sun is shining on you!

Sometimes I feel like I’m a little too autistic for certain political discourses. It’s the straightforwardness. Where is my earnest and unironic left??? I know, I’m just having a moment. but I will never fit in with any of this and I guess that’s ok?

Tried to do some writing for a project involving different people with disabilities. It was interesting and scary as I tried to navigate talking about autism from both my own experiences and a more general perspective since it varies so much. I could only address a little about the varieties which vary so much from my own though.

More tomorrow I hope.

Oh gosh, I just realized that the reason an early therapist diagnosed me with bipolar 2 is because of my autistic fixations. I knew that she was wrong after a while, but I did sometimes find these very distressing because they really affect your life and work and they can affect your sleep schedule and other things. But now I understand exactly what and why and how that could happen it made sense without understanding that I was also autistic.

I’m sorry that I mostly check in here when I am sad and hurting. I am sad and hurting tonight though. I feel very lonely. I feel strong feelings for some people and wish I could tell or show them. But mostly right now I feel alone and want somebody with me. I guess there are a lot of people about to go to bed feeling this way right now.

I packed myself a very nice lunch but now it is my break and I don’t want to go eat it. I should not have eaten that snack. On the other hand I need to have eaten at 1.

any other office workers feel like they can only poop at work? I can go at home but by the end of Sunday, I am still a little uncomfortable. Monday is a reckoning. maybe it’s the timely coffee, breaks for snacks, routines, and stuff

Sometimes you try your best and it doesn’t work out. Sometimes you can’t even manage to try your best and it doesn’t work out. That’s ok. You’re still here. We’re so glad you’re still here. You can’t be your best all the time, sometimes you need rest and sometimes you’re struggling. It’s ok. Thank you. And take care of yourself this morning, tonight, this afternoon, wherever you are. #encouragement

Update l: so far not too sleepy and I can feel my stress levels pulling back. I’m a little worried because it’s related to Benadryl, but a good start

My doctor gave me a new as-needed anxiety med to try for holiday issues and I’m finally giving it a go. I hope it doesn’t make me too sleepy. I do need something to take the edge off the extra holiday anxiety though

Sometimes I think about how people perceive me and whether the phrase “autistic pixie dream girl” is a thing. I’m very intense. I do things people find amazing. But when you get deep down into it, I’m a handful. I’m also, well, autistic. I’m not going to make you comfortable.

I’ve had a few people recommend The Gifts of Imperfection to me and I’ve been slowly reading it. It’s a lot to take in, but it’s very good so far. Trying to practice the things she talks about often requires a few deep breaths first.

I can be more intentional with my contact, making it more frequent. We like to message each other, we used to talk to each other daily in some format or other.

I can also live out that my value doesn’t actually come from any friends. And I can hope by closer association it’ll catch on. I’m so sad she moved. I will try to see her more.

All I can control is me and I need to be mindful of how I show love and valuing of people others’ have rejected.

Today, I saw my friend and she was trying to make herself small. In reacting to the coldness? I distanced myself from the whole group a bit. I kept in touch with her but I didn’t realize how bad it was for her. I didn’t understand how alienated she was. I am so lucky to have other groups of people. So lucky.

So. This is to say that I’m disappointed. I have thought a lot about it today.

I can’t fix them. I am not going to make them ok with me. But I can love her. More.

I had a very good partner and many other groups of friends with whom I was friendly but not close the same as these ones. She really didn’t.

So it hurt her more. And the timing of the coldness? Years later I can’t help but tie it exactly to that time.

It was two of the most popular girls, well, women in that small group. They pitch themselves as supportive and feminist.

Years later? I can’t think of a word of support, congrats, or encouragement from them.